I hate you, I love you
by UltimateDrarryQueen
Summary: Draco has loved Harry for a very, very long time. In their 8th year, something starts to happen between them, but when Draco says something stupid he could ruin everything. Will they manage to repair what they had? And what will Draco do if they can't?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I hope you like this. The idea came to me when I watched a fan video from an anonymous source called "I hate you, I love you" using the song by gnash. The song itself tells a story, and its not too obvious but parts of the story are based on lines from the song. This is just the first chapter but I hope you like it so far ^_^**

Draco Malfoy was in love with with Harry Potter. There was no other way of putting it. Ever since their first year at Hogwarts, Draco had admired Potter's bravery, and found his messy hair and bright green eyes extremely attractive. Draco knew that he never had a chance with Potter. If his personality hadn't made sure of that, then Draco was sure his past as a death-eater had.

They were 8th years at Hogwarts, after being invited back to study when the war had finished. 8th year wasn't so bad, Draco decided as he started to settle down again at the school he called home. Apart from being called a death-eater on a regular basis, and the filthy looks he got in the corridors and in lessons, he finally had a chance to enjoy school for its learning rather than getting people down all the time. He'd stopped self-harming, something he'd been doing since a very young age. 8th year was a chance for him to start fresh.

Draco had pretended to hate Potter from pretty much the first moment they met. He couldn't risk anyone finding out about his crush on him. Over time, Draco's crush developed. He couldn't get Potter out of his head. He thought about him before he went to sleep, and he was the first thing on his mind when he woke up.

Recently, his feelings for Potter were so strong. He loved Potter so much he forgot to hate himself. He even began to get out of bed early to see Potter's perfect sleeping face. He was so busy loving Potter he didn't notice that all the wilted flowers inside of him were starting to grow back. He stopped caring about himself so much and started looking people in the eye. Loving Harry Potter gave him a reason to stop hurting himself and so he did. He loved Harry so much that he didn't hate himself anymore.

Two months into 8th year, Draco's Potions partner caught a nasty bug and Slughorn appointed Harry his new temporary partner. At first things were a little awkward, as the boys weren't friends but were no longer enemies. It was Draco who broke the tension by making a laughing potion and telling Potter that it was pumpkin juice. Potter laughed till his stomach hurt, and even when Slughorn gave him the antidote - "Honestly, Draco. I thought you'd know better than to meddle with lacewing flies when they're not ripe." - he couldn't look at Draco without cracking up.

The two of them left Potions together, and when they reached the doors to the Great Hall, Potter stopped and asked Draco if he'd like to meet him in the library later so they could study together.

"Yes!" Draco said, a little too enthusiastically. Potter cocked his head, confused at Draco's excitement, and Draco's heart skipped a beat. Potter's hair looked perfect at that angle. And the way the light was hitting those eyes...Draco trembled. He averted his eyes quickly, cleared his throat and muttered, "I just really wanna pass."

Potter nodded. "Me too." He gave Draco his gorgeous smile and entered the Great Hall. Draco was left standing in the doorway dripping with excitement. He ran back to the 8th year common room and started prepping. He wanted to look perfect tonight.

When Potter swung by the common room to collect Draco, he was surprised to learn that Draco had already gone to the library. On entering the library, he saw Draco had covered a whole table with books and papers, and grinned as Draco rose his head to see who was coming. Draco's heart started pounding faster. He'd brought every single book and piece of homework he could find; he had to justify his over-enthusiasm earlier.

As Potter sat down, Draco cleared his throat. "Er, so where should we start?" Potter glanced over the table and grinned as one particular book caught his eye.

"How about Babbitty Rabbitty?" Draco blushed, not realizing he'd picked up his copy of The Cackling Stump. He stood to gather all the books, but Potter grabbed his arm and pulled him back into his seat. "Stay." Not knowing what Potter's angle was - Potter always had an angle - Draco did as he was told.

"Maybe we should study...Potions." Potter concluded.

"Why?" Draco asked, confused. Their Potions exam wasn't for a while yet.

"Because we have," Potter grinned as he said this, "chemistry." Draco's heart thudded. Was Potter just messing around or did he really just use a cheesy pick-up line on Draco? It was such a bad joke that Draco thought it was actually kinda cute. Potter sat there grinning, and Draco decided he'd just been messing around. After all, Draco wasn't sure if Potter even liked boys.

"Idiot." Draco retorted, and Potter gave him a playful shove. Draco's face screwed up in mock anger as he gently pinched Potter on his arm. Potter squealed and grabbed the fist that just hit him. Both their expressions turned serious. Draco looked pointedly at Potter's hand on his and when Potter didn't move it, he unclenched his fist and their hands closed on each other.

Draco was delighted. He'd never physically touched Potter before, and Potter's silky smooth skin against his sent tingles along his arms and to his chest, where his heart was beating inhumanly fast and loud. Draco could hear it going _bum bum bum bum bum_ as he sat there holding hands with Potter. He was thrilled and terrified all at once, and as time ticked on, and the boys sat there in silence, his palms started to get sweaty and he got the urge to run away and never show his face to Potter again.

Potter was the one to break the silence. "I'm sorry." He tore his hand away from Draco's. Draco grabbed Potter's wrist.

"What are you sorry for?" Draco could hear the disappointment in his own voice.

"Touching you without your permission." Potter wasn't looking at Draco in the eye.

Draco nearly laughed out loud. Without his permission? Draco wouldn't mind if Potter did that and more...He shook himself away from those thoughts for the moment.

"Potter, are you kidding me? Harry, I-" Draco paused, not knowing whether his confession would help or make things worse but he just had to get it out. "I love you." Draco blurted. Potter-Harry?-looked at Draco, shocked. Draco clears his throat and continued. "I've been in love with you for seven years. Now, I don't know if you're gonna-" Draco was interrupted by Harry bringing a finger to Draco's lips.

"Stop." the raven-haired boy whispered, seemingly exasperated. Draco considered going to a desert so that he could stick his head in the sand, but then he realized that would require surviving in scorching heat, and he decided against it. As Draco's brain was whirring away, dreaming up other ideas to get him far away from here, he became aware of Harry pressing his lips against Draco's.

Draco's heartbeat sped up. Butterflies started a riot in his stomach. Tingles starting in his lips made their way to the tips of his fingers and toes. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to stand up after this. But Draco was content to stay here kissing Harry until the day he died. Some nights he had fantasies about kissing Harry, but never in his wildest dreams had he thought Harry might be the one to kiss him.

Draco had a sudden thought. If Harry loved him back, then they could spend the rest of their lives together. Draco would be a stay-at-home dad, while Harry was an Auror for the ministry, and they'd both live happily ever after with their two children and a dog. He pulled away from Harry, who tried to kiss him again, but Draco stopped him. A look of confusion passed over Harry's face as Draco stood and grabbed a small white piece of paper from the other side of the table and started folding it.

Draco wasn't that skilled at Origami, it was more of a muggle skill, but he managed to make a small hoop out of the annoyingly hard to fold paper. He shoved his chair out of the way, and knelt on one knee in front of Harry Potter, the boy he was uncontrollably and undoubtedly in love with.

Harry's eyes opened in shock, but before he could respond, Draco started talking. "Harry. I've known you for 7 years and 2 months. In 10 months, we might never see each other again. I'd like to change that. I love you so much. I love the way you scrunch up your nose when you concentrate. I love the way that when you're nervous you stroke that scar on your thumb from the war. I love it when you touch that chipped tooth with your tongue without realizing it. I love your messy hair that never gets tidier even when you brush it and put a straightening charm on it. I love your vivid green eyes. I get lost in them. I love how you always feel the need to help people. I love that you're so selfless and you were willing to sacrifice yourself, for Ginny Weasley, for Sirius Black, for Cedric Diggory, for Arthur Weasley, for your two best friends. You even were willing to sacrifice yourself for me last year, when I was about to get burned to death. I'm in love with you, Harry. You are what made me come back to Hogwarts this year. You've made me so happy just by being alive. So can't you make me a little bit happier?" Draco held out the paper ring.

Harry stood up quickly, backing away.

"Did you just propose?"

"Yes, I did. Harry James Potter, will you marry me?"


	2. Chapter 2

**WARNING: TRIGGERING CONTENT AHEAD (self harm)**

 **Sorry if you find any of this disturbing but you have been warned**

Harry was completely taken aback. Marry Draco? All he'd done was kiss Draco, not declare his undying love for him. After one kiss, Draco wanted Harry to spend the rest of their lives together.

Harry's mind started to wander. Maybe it would be nice to wake up in Malfoy Manor everyday, with servants to wait on him and all he ever wanted at his fingertips. He shook himself out of it. He was still a teenager. He wasn't ready to settle down yet, especially not with...Draco Malfoy.

"No." Harry looked Draco dead in the eye. "No, I won't marry you."

Draco rose to his feet. "What? You mean that-"

"What I mean is, I don't want to marry you. And I don't want to pursue a relationship either, so don't bug me about that. It was a kiss Draco, not a promise ring."

Draco felt his cheeks burn red. He glanced over the books, decided to leave them where they were and fled. He found himself in the Room of Requirement. The Mirror of Erised was there, but he couldn't bring himself to look at it. He sat down beside it, sobbing. He'd humiliated himself so badly. Why couldn't he have kept his mouth shut for once rather than saying whatever came to mind?

A clinking noise made him look up. The room had brought him an old trinket box which was now placed in front of him. Draco recognized it immediately. It was where he stored his blades. For the past few years, whenever things got too much for Draco, he'd make his way to the Room of Requirement, where he'd find the box and make himself feel better with the cool metal gliding along his warm skin.

The room had obviously brought Draco the box out of habit. But, he thought, surely it couldn't hurt to have a look inside?

He leaned forwards and lifted he lid, placing it down beside the box. Shiny metal blades filled the box, and he tipped them onto the floor. A small piece of paper fell to the floor aswell, but he placed it to one side before counting the small silver pieces of metal on the ground. One...two...three...four...five. They were all there.

Draco felt a surge of something, but he wasn't quite sure what. He lifted the piece of paper and turned it over. A picture of Harry Potter assaulted his eyes, and Draco dropped it as though it had burned him.

He didn't want to think about Harry right now. In fact, he didn't want to think about Harry ever again. Draco considered his options. He could always Obliviate himself, rid himself of his memories of the Chosen One, but self-Obliviation was known to have dire consequences. He could forget who he was, or worse, think he was a muggle. Draco shuddered, and tried to think of other options.

A glint of silver caught his eye, and without giving it a second thought, Draco picked up the blade and ran its sharp edge against his forearm. A stream of thick, red liquid poured out of his sliced skin and Draco tipped his head back in ecstasy. It had been fat too long since he'd done this and the white-haired boy leaned against the mirror in absolute bliss.

He held up the blade to look at it, one edge covered in blood. He caught his reflection in the shiny of the metal of the blade and he forced a smile. There. Now he looked how he felt.

After a few long minutes, Draco picked up the blades and put them back into the box. He wiped his bloody arm with the hem of his black robes, and closed the lid on the box with a sigh. Standing up, he placed the box on a nearby table, and being careful not to look in the Mirror or Erised, he left. As he stood outside the door, watching the dark oak disappear into the brick wall, he knew one thing for sure; he'd be back.

#####

Visiting the Room of Requirement became a regular thing for Draco. He feel into a routine of waking up, going to lessons without breakfast, having his evening meal then heading straight to the Room of Requirement before bedtime. He was careful to never remove his jumper in front of people though, a thing he'd had to learn in his second year.

Somewhere in his routine of lessons, food, cutting and the sleeping, the lines became blurry. He started going to the Room of Requirement between lessons, sometimes skipping them altogether just to go cut himself. He purposely tried to miss Potions, his lesson where he and Harry were partnered. Having to converse with him would tip Draco over the edge.

It was a Sunday when Draco decided to visit the Room of Requirement at lunchtime. He wasn't hungry, and was feeling particularly unhappy after seeing e female Weasley kid making eyes at Harry that morning.

When he arrived at the room, the door was already there. He frowned, and upon entering the room he heard a voice. He ducked behind a table, and peered curiously at the intruder.

It was Harry! He'd come to apologize to Draco. The white-haired boy felt his iced-over heart start to melt again, and he was about to make himself seem when Harry started to talk to himself.

"No, I can't." said Harry. "I couldn't. If not because it would hurt Ron then because other people would get hurt too."

Draco's brow furrowed in confusion. Why would Harry and Draco being together hurt the Weasel? And who else would get hurt?

Suddenly, Draco realised that Harry hadn't been talking to himself. Ginny Weasley stepped into view. Draco's heart started pounding faster. He was so angry. The ginger bitch said something too quiet for Draco to hear.

He was about to storm out in a rage when the female Weasel pressed her body against Harry and brought her stupid, ugly lips to his.

Draco's heart sank. It wasn't because she was kissing Harry.

It was because he was kissing her back.

 **Sorry about the really short chapter, wanted to get this part over with. I hope you liked it!**


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